PS I Love You
by TheRealOriginalSammy
Summary: What If Holly And Gerry Were Edward And Bella? Here's A Twilight Version To Cecilia Ahern's Amazing Book. Disclaimer: The Character's Are Stephenie Meyer's And The Plot's Cecilia Ahern's. Enjoy! x You Don't Have To Of Read PS. I Love You
1. Chapter 1

PS, I Love You

Chapter 1  
_The Last Night_

**Disclaimer: **I'm not Cecilia Ahern or Stephenie Meyer. I'm just simply using Stephenie's characters and Cecilia's plot. :)

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"_Edward!" I moaned. I really didn't want to go out tonight._

_"But Bella, love. We want to have fun! Meet up with the guys." He told me while sorting his tie out in the mirror._

_"Well Alice won't be happy being called a guy. Besides, work was...crap! I am so tired!" I whined._

_"Nothing a few vodkas won't sort out love. Come on, for me." He pouted. I laughed and gave up the fight. I wouldn't win anyways. _

_"Fine! But remember I never wanted to do this." I sighed. He laughed back at me. I grabbed my blue silk shirt with a white pair of linen pants. I slipped on my Christian Louboutin white wedges and curled my hair. I added mascara, lipgloss and black eyeliner. I was ready to go. _

_xxxx_

_We were home, at last. It was 2 AM and I have work in 7 hours. Great. _

_"I can't believe you sometimes Edward." I said slamming the bathroom door after throwing my shoes on the bed._

_"But love, what have I done?" He asks._

_"You know what you've done. If you don't you're just plain stupid." I said kicking my many shoes out of my way._

_"I am not stupid." Edward disagreed, tugging at his tie. Why would someone wear a tie on a night out is beyond me. Jazz and Em don't. _

_"So you don't know what you've done?" I twirled round to ask him._

_"No, I don't bloody know what I've done, alright?"_

_"No, not alright Edward. If you want to go around telling people that I don't want children at the age of 23 or move out of the small apartment that we've lived in for four years which has become my home, they're going to think I'm a freak."_

_"Is that what this is about love? That I told Alice and Rosie that you don't want children yet? They know the truth anyways." He was oblivious to my feelings, obviously._

_"But you SHOUTED it out in a PUB for Christsakes!" _

_"I am truly sorry love. I didn't think they would hear me."_

_This was it. I threw a pillow at him. He ducked in time. It hit the wall instead, making my make up fall on the floor._

_"They know all of this Edward anyway." I said walking around the bedroom picking my belonging off the floor. "They don't need to know anymore about it, ok?"_

_"OK! Bloody hell! What is it with women and..." He trailed off once he saw my face, furious. "Sorry love." _

_"But you're just saying that Edward! You don't mean it." I said, pulling the duvet back. _

_"Well, we could get a bigger apartment once you stop buying all these shoes." He murmured as he picked up another three._

_"I buy these of eBay! I save money! Once you stop buying your guitar pieces, I'll stop buying shoes." I said slyly. Edward looked at me as if to say, "try me but you do that and you're gone"._

_I went to bed and just lied there in silence. Edward came in next to me and successfully put his arms around my waist. _

_"I'm sorry love. I hate it when you don't talk to me." He apologised._

_"Well I hate it when you tell my friends my personal feelings." I said, picking at the pillows._

_"Face it love, you've already told them." _

_"I know but I still don't want my husband to tell them! It's a girl thing!" _

_"Ok, I give you my oath that I will never tell our friends anything you're sensitive about."_

_"Promise?"_

_"My life." _

_We sealed the deal with a kiss._

"_Edward, get the light." I whispered in his ear. It was 3 AM._

That was three months ago. At the moment, I'm holding onto Edward's hand for life. He's dying from a brain tumour. He's got days, if not hours left.

"Be strong baby and I don't mean to try to fight a battle you're going to lose. Let go baby. I'll be fine. I'll miss you. I want you here. Move on baby. I love you." I whispered in his ear, finally giving him permission he's been asking for to let go. I gave him a kiss and sat back, his hand still intertwined with mine. I was not ready for him to leave but his time was up.

"Bella? Thanks for being my Mrs. Masen. You've given me my life. I love you." He croaked from his sleep. "Thank you."

"Shhh, don't speak Edward. I love you too."

"Kiss me."

I bent my head to his and kissed him. It was full on endless goodbyes, ones that I'll never get the chance to say. I leaned my forehead to catch my breath. I put my hands through his hair.

"You'll kill me love." He whispered. I barely heard him. I laughed through my tears.

"I love you Bella Masen, forever and always. From here to wherever I'll go next. Until we meant again love. I love you." He told me truthfully. I smiled at his words.

His heart monitor stopped a few seconds later. Edward's heart stopped. It's as if he wanted to say that before giving in his battle that left him a shadow of how he used to be. Doctors ran in. I sat there still. Esme and Carlisle ran in. They were crying. I looked up. They were holding onto each other's other half while mine was lying on the bed in front of me, no heart longer beating, just his shell. Everything went silent as I looked at Edward. His bronze hair shone more brightly. His green eyes were closed, never to be seen again. Somehow he was still smiling his crooked smile. His skin was perfect and pale. But had no life. I looked up. Everyone was still trying to give Edward his life back but it was gone. He was never coming back.

"Stop it. Just STOP. Alright? Just leave." I shouted at them. He wouldn't want to be fussed when he was gone just to be brought back again. It was like when he slept. Each morning he would throw his alarm on the floor. Minutes later I'd wake up to tell him to get his ass outta bed. Then he'd moan until his coffee arrived. I smiled at him through my tears. "He wouldn't want this." I told them, my voice still strong for Edward. They all trailed out, leaving me with my husband.

"I'm sorry, Edward. Everything I should've done that I didn't. Every moment I was away when I should've been with you. I'm making up for it now baby. I'm sorry." I told him, still holding his cold, limp hand.

"Do you remember our wedding?" I sighed happily, the memories whizzing past. "I can't believe Emmett married us, it was your fault. He brought the outfit and everything. Alice's bridesmaid dresses were beautiful though weren't they? Rose is still looking for her guy; I can't believe you're not going to find out her mystery guy. Oh Edward."

Come on, Bella! You were on about our wedding!

"Oh, right yeah. You looked so beautiful at the end of the aisle in you white tux and royal blue tie. Mmm. I remember it perfectly. Alice and Rose were wearing the same blue silk dresses. Beautiful, weren't they? And my dress, it was perfect. An ivory strapless gown, floor length, the skirt was frilled out like Coleen Rooney's dress except it wasn't as frilly or big. My veil was held up by my chignon with a flower on my right side of my face. It did match the weather didn't it? It was so sunny in Ireland that day. It was beautiful. Why did we go to Ireland for a wedding? No one in our family's from Ireland. But still, I'm glad we went to Clontarf Castle Hotel. It was gorgeous, lighting up. It was right in the middle of Dublin, the right place for Alice wasn't it? Right near Grafton Street with Swarovski, River Island, the Body Shop, it was her heaven since all the designers weren't too far a distance away! Thank you for marrying me Edward. I love you and I'll never grow tired of telling you that, even when you're not here. I'm sorry Edward, I have to go baby. Your Mom and Dad want to say goodbye, then Alice and co. do to. And Renee and Charlie. I'll be back if I'm allowed babe. I am so not ready to say goodbye to you Edward. You'll always be with me, right?" I sobbed. I'll never see this body again, the person who I'd die for. They've taken pictures but it's not enough.

"I love you Edward Masen. Never ever forget that. You can't hear me but I want you to know. You're my angel, my saviour, my life. I love you. Forever and always."

I bent down to kiss him for the last time. It was weird having no response and kissing cold lips but they still tingled like they have for years. I touched his lips one last time and ran out of the room. I was crying freely by now. I cried, the sobs rising higher and louder. I passed Elizabeth and Edward Sr., Edward's parents. I ran passed Emmett, Rose, Jasper and Alice in the elevator heading for the stairs. I heard Alice run after me but Jasper told her to leave me be for a while. I stumbled down the thirteen flights of stairs not falling once; I flew past Edward's Volvo and began running to our apartment. It took me twenty minutes from the hospital to our apartment on Central Park, Upper West Side which meant its right by Central Park. It was beautiful at night.

I unlocked the door, pulled off my clothes and went for a shower. I was in there for twenty minutes. As if I was on pilot, I got dressed in Edward's old shirt and boxers and climbed into bed. I found my phone and rung Edward's BlackBerry. It went to his voicemail.

"Hey, it's Edward. I obviously can't take your call right now. I'm probably with my new wife somewhere in our Central Park apartment. It's lovely you know. So you know what to do. Leave a message after the beep...Damn it Bella! I'm leaving a message for people! Beep!" He trails off. I threw a pillow at him for sounding so feminine while speaking into his phone. I ring him until my phone dies, the tears on my face drying then being wet again seconds later. I needed to see him. I went under our bed and pulled out a box. It was my 21st birthday party on DVD that I pulled out randomly from the many home DVDs that we made together with our family. I put it in our DVD player and walked back to bed.

Edward was behind the camera but he was giving commentary. "Here's Bella blowing out her candles." "Here's my beautiful fiancée downing a vodka and coke in one go. Perfect skills she's got there!" "Here's Bella getting a papercut. Silly Bella." "Here's B being tossed on the bouncy castle organised by Emmett and Alice." "Happy 21st love!" The list was endless.

As I dozed off for a dreamless sleep, I heard Edward.

"Night night love. I love you baby girl. Sweet dreams."

I sighed happily, reliving Edward again and again.

"Edward. Edward. Get the light!" I groaned at 11 PM the same day. I left the light on. I sighed and felt around for Edward. Then it all came rushing back. I curled up into a ball but sat up. Edward's face was frozen onto screen, smiling back at me.

"Edward. Save me."


	2. Chapter 2

_Then it all came rushing back. I curled up into a ball but sat up. Edward's face was frozen onto screen, smiling back at me._

"_Edward. Save me."_

**PS I Love You**

Chapter 2

**Receiving**

**Disclaimer: **I'm not Cecilia Ahern or Stephenie Meyer. I'm just simply using Stephenie's characters and Cecilia's plot. :)

It's been exactly 31 days. I've not eaten anything except Ryvitas which are just dry crackers. The only things I've drunk are coffee. It's been 31 days.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"Briiiing!" the buzzer goes.

"Go away Alice!" I groan, lifting my head from under the pillow. The bed's full of empty boxes. The cabinet's overflowing with empty mugs and stained with spilt coffee. The TV screen's still paused upon Edward's face. Each day I have a ritual. Get up whenever there's someone interrupting my dreamless sleep, then throw on some cleaner clothes, brush my hair, put on the kettle, rinse out a mug, let them in. Suffer the cycle of mindless talking which isn't entering my brain. Once they leave, get back into bed and watch more home videos. That's been my life for the past 31 days.

"Briiing!" It goes again. I storm over to the speaker and press the button.

"Yes?" I say angrily.

"Er... Bella Masen? I have a delivery here." A quiet voice of a young man says.

"Leave it outside the door." I bark.

"Which one?" He asks.

"The big one!" I say, exasperated.

"Ok, bye!" He says as he flees I'm guessing.

I fling open the door, my curiosity flying high. I stumble down the stairs and as I pull the great oak door open, squinting at the bright light above in the blue sky. The yellow cabs fly past, blurring away from me. The city continues as I grieve for a man who was taken away from this planet too early. Far too early.

Upon the slate step in a package. A blue box with a silver bow glistening resting on the box. There's a tag reading:

_B, if you're reading this, then I want you to know that I'm fine. You should be out having fun baby. Open me up and listen to what I need you to know._

_x E_

Is this somebody playing some kind of joke?! I pick up the package and run back up the stairs. I lean against the door panting for air. I hold it close to my chest, wishing that it was sent from Edward. I'll never know unless I check.

Faster than I though possible, I cleaned up my apartment. I let the light shine through the windows, no longer hidden by the drapes. The mugs are cleaned and put away in my kitchenette. The ryvita boxes are in the recycling bins and I'm showered and ready to face whatever is coming.

My first thought is to ring Alice. I pick up the phone and I wonder what to say.

"Hello?" I whisper. My voice is all dry and brittle, my coffee fix hasn't entered my system yet, it's still in a jar.

"Bella? My god! Are you ok?" Alice wonders, frantically throwing things around in the background.

"Yeah, can you come over? Bring Jasper and co. ok?" I tell her. I can hear her shouting Jasper to ring Emmett and Rose and telling me that they'll be over in twenty.

I put the phone down and get busy making coffee. By the time I've finished my coffee there's a knock at the door. Then it opens with Jasper's key still in the door.

I smile weakly at them and I point to the box on the coffee table Edward brought from his house. We fought over it for ages...

_ "Bella, I do not care what you say. We are __having__ my coffee table in our new apartment together. Understand?" Edward tells me sternly. I, of course, disagree._

_ "No, I do not understand Edward. I want a new one. I want a pine one, not an oak one. It will clash with my sofa!" I shout._

_ "Then we'll buy another sodding sofa for crying out loud!" _

_ "We just brought this one!"_

_ "Well you'll have to buy another!" _

_ "NO way! I spent days searching for this sofa and I'm no-"_

_ "I spent months saving for this table when I was in college because it's an antique!"_

_ "And this is new!" I scream back, throwing my arm at the sofa._

_ "We are keeping this table."_

_ "We're not!"_

_ "Are"_

_ "Not!"_

_ "Not!" Edward mutters._

_ "Are." I mutter back. Then I realise what I said. Needless to say, I'm glad we have it._

I open my eyes to see four worried faces stare down at me.

"Ok?" Emmett asks with one eyebrow higher than the other. I nod in response.

"You gonna open it Bella?" Jasper asks me after reading the note.

I shrug my shoulders, "I don't know."

"You've got to find out what it says Bella. Please." Alice asks me quietly. I turn to Rosalie who is sitting next to the table.

"Come on B, the suspense will kill you!" She moans before realising what she says. "Sorry!"

"It's ok."I whisper.

I sit on the sofa whilst Emmett sits on the edge of the sofa by Rose and Jasper stands next to Alice.

I slowly peel the ribbon away from the box. Then the blue paper falls away, showing a cardboard box. I peel away the tape and inside sits a Styrofoam box. I pull it away and a tape recorder is revealed. There's a tape inside with it rewound to the beginning. I press play and there's a soft melody playing through the speakers.

_Is this thing playing? Yeah? Crap! Ok, I'm ready._

_Hey Mrs. Masen. You're probably thinking why the hell I am trying to contact you from the grave. Well, I know we're not ready to say goodbye yet so I have something to tell you. _

_Over the next twelve months will be a note and something else. Like with this note, another delivery will come tomorrow. You'll find out what it is tomorrow. There's not a chance it'll come sooner though._

_Anyway, I'm here, to speak to you. It's the 9__th__ of July now. I don't know when I'm gonna give up so I'm preparing it all now. I know that you're only eating when you feel ill and you're only drinking coffee for the chance to see daylight so I'm going to make sure that Emmett comes over every meal time with food alright? You do that for me Emmett? _

I can see Emmett smiling and nodding his head, "Sure will dude!"

_And Alice. I want you to take Bella shopping. But not yet. Buy for her but next month is when you'll take her to Tiffany's ok? Spend child and go wild! _

I can see Alice's face light up and take in Edward's command.

_Jasper, my friend. I want you to do the job I've always done. The paying of the apartment. I know Bella won't be able to so I set up an account for you to give her a monthly allowance. I'm joking but that ok? Boring isn't it? Well, you are an accountant!_

I see Jasper laugh quietly and nod his head. This is weird beyond belief to know my dead husband still has control of our friends.

_Rosie baby! You're job is to make sure Bella steps outside at least once a week for at least an hour. Take her to the Park, take her to Ellis Island. Take her places that remind her of me. Take her to the places where she will never forget me. I want Ali to go with you a few times so I guess you can go with the girls when they shop to save my baby from Alice's clutches. Alright? _

I laugh at his joke aimed at Alice. I nod at Rose and the rest to show that I understand and will do what they're telling them.

_Now, Bella. Back to you. You've been holed up in the bedroom for the past month am I right?_

"No you're bloody not! I've been around the apartment you know."

_Right, sorry. You've travelled the whole nineteen steps into the kitchenette for coffee and the eleven to the bathroom. But I'm right, right?_

"Shut up." I mutter, happy that he knows me so well.

_Well that's stopping right now. You're going to live again. I want you to go out, experience the city life. _

_I want you to stop moping. I want you to live your life. I can't live mine so I want you to live it. Live it to the full. _

_There's always gonna be another mountain, you are always wanna make it move. It's gonna be that uphill battle but somebody is gonna have to lose. It's not about how fast you'll get there, just what's on the other side. It's the Climb. _

_Remember that baby girl. I want you to live for me. I want you to get out there, do the things I've never done. Skydive, snorkel and climb that mountain. Do it for me._

_See you next month Bella_

_PS, I Love You_


	3. Chapter 3

"_...Skydive, snorkel and climb that mountain. Do it for me._

_See you next month Bella_

_PS, I Love You."_

**PS I Love You**

Chapter 3

**The Fight**

**Disclaimer: ** Not my characters, nor my plot. All rights belong to Cecilia Ahern and Stephenie Meyer.

We sat in silence. I could only tell I was breathing by my erratic pulse from my dead husband's voice re-awakening my life in me.

"Bella?" Rosalie asked me, gently picking up my hand from my side and putting it in hers. "Are you ok?"

I nod silently. My husband's just told me that I have another 11 months of hearing his voice left. That's it. He won't be telling me things that were new then, just the replaying of videos and tapes.

I'm having mood swings right now. I felt ecstatic a few minutes ago and then now the reality's settling in. Edward felt as if he were right here with my, not buried 7 feet under. People say six but the real life story is once you're dead you're buried seven feet under. That's it.

So why am I still expecting Edward to walk in from his work as a lawyer with his briefcase in his right hand, BlackBerry in the other? I'm a widow at 23, my husband's dead at 25. Life is twisted and sick.

"Think she's ok? She's just blank." Emmett whispers next to me.

"It's been five minutes, give her a chance!" Jasper mutters back.

I blink steadily back to the present. I can see Emmett's face looming over me. For some reason, I can't handle it anymore. My stomach muscles clench together and I can feel the bile rising up. I can feel myself losing energy and I jump from the sofa, pushing away the helping hands.

My face meets the toilet quickly and I quickly slam the door shut with my foot. Once I'm done throwing up the Ryvitas, I wash my face and lean on the bath tub. I have no idea what just happened.

The door opens and Alice peers around the gap with Rose.

"What's up Bella?" Alice whispers. I shrug my shoulders. What do I say to that when all my answer is, "well, let's see. What's up is some **thing** which seems to think that it's freaking funny to kill my husband, leave me alone and then make me feel like shit. That is what is up."

"Actually, Alice... Nothing in my life is going up at the moment and it ever will again. So please, just don't, ask me if 'I'm ok', or 'what's up' because I really will tell you and believe me, you don't want to know." I tell her, letting her know that it's alright for them to be concerned but asking me every two minutes if I'm alright is really pissing me off.

"You know what Bella? Just because you lost your husband does NOT mean you can be a bitch with me. I've lost someone too Bella. Yes, it hurts, I know it does. But you don't get to rant and rave at me because you've got nobody left to blame." Alice says back to me.

"THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM THOUGH ISN'T IT ALICE? EVERYTHING HAS TO TURN AROUND SO THAT IT INVOLVES YOU TOO. Edward was my husband, but yours is still standing in my living room out there. You'll have each other longer than Edward and I have." I shout at her.

"You know what your problem is Bella? You're TOO self-involved and you ALWAYS bring everyone else down with you."

"Alice calm down. You'll end up saying something you don't want to." Rosalie warned her.

"Whose side are you on?" Alice turned on her.

"Alice! Have you heard yourself? Sides? I mean come ON. How pathetic are you?" She said.

"What do you mean pathetic as a friend arguing with a girl whose husband is dead or someone pointing out that that same person isn't the only one who's lost someone?"

"For God's sake. Just give up! This is worthless."

"No it's not Rose. It helps me show that my own friend can't help me the same way I did when her father killed her mother. That's pathetic."

_I heard my phone ringing as I walked up the stairs in my home with my parents in bed, carrying a coffee. I began to walk faster to my room and quickly placed my coffee on my bedside table._

_ I looked at the phone which was playing Alice's caller ID song, Queen's song __**You're My Best Friend**__._

_ "Hey Ali, what's up? It's nine in the morning!" I moaned into the phone._

_ "Bella Swan?" A rough voice asked._

_ "Yeah? Who's asking?" I said sharply. _

_ "Detective Saunders. We have an Alice Brandon here asking for you. There's been a problem involving her parents."_

_ "Like what?" I whispered. I knew that Alice's father often beat up her mother (the past year actually) when he was drunk but he never harmed Alice. Her mother was going to leave today._

_ "Her father has killed her mother when she tried to escape today. Could you come round?"_

_ "Yes, of course. Tell Ali I'll be there in 5." I pulled on some clothes over my pyjamas, and then shoved my feet into my trainers and ran to Alice's house fifteen minutes away. I got there in five. I hadn't even done my hair._

_Through that rough time in her life, Alice had no one to turn to, except me. She came to live with me for a few months until she turned 18. Then we met Rose on a night out who introduced Alice to Jasper who introduced us to Emmett and, of course Edward. That's where Alice has got her strength from. From me._  
XxxxxxX

"I. I. I can't believe you." Alice sobbed. "You brought up the darkest part of my life when it wasn't necessary."

"I'm living through that darkest part of my life without my best friend standing right there by my side." I said quietly. I didn't have it in me to sob so instead I let the welling tears in my eyes fall.

"Bella. That was uncalled for. Come on Alice. Let's see what it's like for her when she has no friends to turn to because it's obvious she doesn't want any help or sympathy of us." Rosalie said as she glared at me before leaving with Alice. I heard them say things about what happened and then my front door closing.

With that I took my frustration out on my bathroom. My sobs came to me now when adrenaline rushed through me.

I pulled the shower curtain down. I threw my glass that held water in at the door. I pulled towels out from the neat pile and dropped them to the floor.

By the time I finished my bathroom was a complete mess. I noticed that there was a knocking at the bathroom door. I couldn't hear it over my roars and panting. I turned as Emmett walked in.

"Oh Bells." He murmured as I ran towards him. He patted my hair the way he seen Edward do a few times when I was mad. And for once, I didn't care that it wasn't Edward doing it. Because when I lost my husband, when I finished listening to him, I gave up hope. I gave up my friends. And I was alone with only one person I could turn too.


	4. Chapter 4

_And for once, I didn't care that it wasn't Edward doing it. Because when I lost my husband, when I finished listening to him, I gave up hope. I gave up my friends. And I was alone with only one person I could turn too._

**PS I Love You**

Chapter 4

**First Kiss**

**Disclaimer: **My twist but nothing else.

I shook my head from side to side. I couldn't believe it. First, my husband dies, leaving me to face the world for him as well as me. Well, I can't handle that while I gather my life together to the way it was before Edward dominated my presence. It's just not going to happen. Then, my husband leaves me a message in which he orders my friends around, but not his friends since he can't exactly say hello anymore. And lastly, I almost throttle my best friend because she simply told me what I can't handle. That I'm too self-obsessed, that my dead husband is driving a wedge between us and that I am so low in my own grief and pain that I don't think about the consequences when I tell her that when she went through losing her parents, I was there for her and then claim that she's not there for me when in fact, she's the one ringing everyday instead of my mother. Actually, Alice is the only one I've turned to because she's seen me every way I can possible be. When I answer the phone to Alice, I'll let her see my grief. When Rose or Emmett calls me, I don't even answer.

Emmett is still holding me up. He's being my rock when Alice isn't, she can't be there all the time. Now she's not even here. I wonder what she's doing. I won't be surprised if she's deleting my number off her cell right now. But that can't stop her ringing me because Jasper has my number, they have it stored in their landline and she memorised it within the hour of me purchasing the thing. I can't believe how low I truly am to try and work out how my friend will contact me when she probably even won't.

Of course I know that it's hurting her too. Of course she knows that I understand that I'm not the only one who has lost somebody. There's my family and most importantly, Edward's family. His mother and father must be in so much pain and loss since there wasn't a day that went passed where Edward didn't ring them. He'd ring them while getting dressed, eating at a restaurant or he'd text them during a meeting under the table. I should really be the daughter-in-law that was suitable for their son.

"Emmett, I need to ring his parents. I need to ring Esme. Now. Before I lose my nerve." I whisper. He nods his head and tells me that he'll clean up.

I run into my living room and grab my phone without looking at the bow still wrapped upon the recorder. I turn and walk slowly into the kitchen. The phone rings and it gets picked up by Esme after four rings.

"Hello?" She asks quietly. Her usual chirp is missing. As is her son.

"Hello, Mrs. Masen. I just wanted to ask how you were doing." I told her before realising. "I'm sorry Mrs. Masen. I've just had a screaming match with Alice for asking me that same question. It's obvious how you're feeling right now." I continue without stopping. Then there's silence.

"Well, Bella. I never had you down as a screamer." Edward mom says. I can imagine a smile on her face, not quite reaching her eyes but I laugh. I laugh properly.

"Neither did me to be honest Mrs. Masen. I just couldn't handle the questions anymore. I just broke." I admitted.

"Bella, if you continue to address me as Mrs. Masen, I will be thinking that you're talking to yourself." She told me.

"Ok Esme, I'm sorry."

"And Bella honey, I bet Edward is wishing that you live for yourself and you only."

"Actually Esme, he's not. He's told me that he's wishing for me to live his life for him and me. I don't think I could handle that, the weight of his life on my shoulders as well as his own."

"Isabella. I cannot believe you believe that. What on earth would make you think that?"

"That what? That Edward wants me to live for him?"

"Well, yes."

"He told me Esme. He left me a recording that he recorded weeks before he died. He knew he had no way to live so he prepared himself."

"Edward wouldn't let himself keep that secret from you."

"But he did Esme. I was sent a box, which was full of polystyrene and within that packaging was a voice recorder. It was Edward because I know his voice. I've woke up to hearing that voice everyday for the past 6 years even on my wedding day when he rang me. Even when he's away on conferences, he'll ring me in the morning at exactly 7:14 am because that was when he first told me that he loved me when we dated for three months. Then the next day at that time I rang him up first to tell him I loved him too. I was in hospital with him for six days. Each morning he would wake me up and say hello, ask about how I slept, how much he wishes he wouldn't die and that he wished that he'd be there to see my children grow up since he knew he'd never give them to me. He told me with his last breath that he loved me. So don't say that Edward wouldn't say that because he did."

"I'm sorry Bella. I have to go. I can't handle this. This is too much."

"Esme? All I said was that Edward wanted me to live for him."

"Yes Bella but you're taking it too far. He meant for him to be in your memories, to do things he would've done but you're making it out to be as if he ordered you. You're making my son into something he isn't and I can't deal with it right now. Goodbye Bella."

That was when I put down the phone, dropped it on the floor and stamped on it. The screen cracked under my foot and I took pleasure in hearing the plastic snap under my foot. The one thing I could control.

Then I realised that the lights in my apartment went off and that the whole of New York City was having a blackout. I could faintly work out that it was 9PM here and the moon was glowing slightly. I must've been in the bathroom a few hours and on the phone for another two. It was raining now, a full storm.

Well, at least I solved out the way that Alice won't be able to contact me. My phone was currently under my foot which was bleeding onto my white tiles.

I stared out of the window, watching the raindrops fling themselves at the glass protecting me. I remember when Edward and I had our first kiss.

_We were at a football game. I was 17, Edward was 19, and we'd been dating for a week. Edward's team was winning and Edward made me a bet. If he won, he'd buy me a McDonalds and kiss me. If he lost, he wouldn't. I wished so hard that it would be a good outcome but I knew that his team weren't playing well._

_ He turned to me and it was raining. My hood was up and I was huddled into his arms. I looked up as he turned. _

_ His eyes were full of emotion. Emotion I couldn't comprehend at the time. Now, I saw it as love and realisation. His chin allowed the rain to fall of gently, easing its way to the ground. His hair was flattened by the water. His mouth was speaking but I wasn't listening, just looking at the way his mouth moved._

_ "Edward, will you just shut up?" I said before standing up to meet his lips. They tasted like coffee and a hint of vanilla. The rain continued to pour down as I tangled my fingers into his hair. I felt his arms slide gently around my waist, pulling me closer. His lips were soft and gentle. I couldn't believe how soft his hair was. We pulled away took in the air. The game played away in the background but we could only focus on each other. _

_ Our foreheads met and he pulled my hood down. The rain gently patted my head. I was thankful that I had on minimum make up because I didn't want him to see me with mascara running down my face just yet. Once again, our lips met. This time there was expectation and urgency mixed in. _

_ Edward's team won. We didn't go for that McDonalds after the game. We stayed outside in the pouring rain to kiss again and again. _

I span round when I heard a noise behind me. It was Emmett clearing the glass into the bin. My hand flew up to my chest.

"What did she say?" Emmett asked quietly.

"That I'm making Edward into something he's never been. Am I really too caught up in this whole grief thing Emmett?" I ask, looking up to him. "Do I need a psychiatrist?"

"No Bella." Emmett chuckled. "You're just caught between somewhere where you don't know what's going to happen. You don't know whether you want to go on living without him by your side and you don't know whether you can survive that without your best friends by your side either."

"Well, I have one best friend standing right here. Thank you Emmett." I whisper before hugging him. Emmett has **always** been my big brother in a sense. He'll tease me mercilessly but he could become serious in a second. He's been able to care for me in a way where not even Edward did. Edward was my rock, my life, my love. But Emmett's something else.

"You're bleeding. Looks like I'll have to sew it." He murmurs. "I'm joking. Just a bandage and rest I think. Being a gym owner means I need first aid. Be glad I'm here."

"I am. I need a new phone to. What would you recommend?" I ask him.

"Well you use it for work, right?" He asks. I'm forever writing texts to people to ask them what they think of my column as a journalist. I'm the agony aunt. Now, I'm on a break.

"Yeah, so a QWERTY keypad. That's what it's called right?"

"It is. So ... BlackBerry's are too dear to run in my opinion. A new QWERTY keypad phone would be a LG GW300." He tells me while bandaging my foot. My phone's just a piece of rubble on the floor now.

"Ok. Will you get one for me with my Amex?"

"No. You can come with me tomorrow. I'm taking the day off. Starbucks too. We'll go for food because I know you're not eating right." He lists.

"Ok." I nod. I'm not getting out of it any other way.

Once my foot is bandages, Emmett goes to see if there are any food places are open. They could use generators or gas.

I slump on the sofa with a book. I've not read in a few weeks. Last time I read was when Edward was in hospital. I open my book to a page minus the original writing. In its place is a folded piece of paper. It looks like it's been crumpled a lot, like a rough copy. I open it up. Its Edward's writing.

Dearest Bella,

How are you? Missing me? Don't worry. By the time you read this, I'll be gone. I'm saying this because you don't read when you're upset. When Grandma Marie died, you wouldn't read for a while. 

Now, I want you to do something. Remember me. Remember my funeral. I want you to, to see whether it helps.

Once you have turn over.

_ Edward's funeral was held in Rose's pub. It was a family and friends night. Edward was in an urn in the middle of the room. Everyone was dressed in black. Traditional, I thought when I planned it. Now I wish I hadn't. It really looks like we have no life._

_ "Bella?" Alice asks. I nod to her. She grabs my hand and pulls me forward. _

_ "Hello everybody. Thank you for coming, Edward and I really appreciate it. Erm... I just wanted this to be held so we can all remember him, the way he wanted to. Not him being buried under the ground. At least he's still here." I say as I brush my palm over the urn._

_ "This is hard for me. I've not acknowledged much in the past week. All I knew was that I was missing one person beside me in bed, one person who could argue over anything with me and one person was missing out of my life. Edward may not be here beside me physically but he's with me in my mind. I never want to forget Edward. There's nothing that could. I can only wish that we had more time together. For me, 6 years isn't enough but at least we had time to get to know each other and get married. _

_ "When Edward's heart stopped beating, he had a chance of survival. But I couldn't let them help him. He had said his goodbyes and if he was brought back to me, to us, then he'd go soon after because of his tumour. It had consumed him so there was no way of him being my Edward again._

_ "I am hurting. Badly. I can barely get up during the day because I know that I'm facing an empty home. But I always remember what Edward said to me. 'Bella, just because someone isn't here doesn't meant they aren't. Remember them and they're right there beside you.' Well, Edward, I'm remembering you right now. I love you Edward." I said with silent rears falling. I turn and walked to the bar while I was clapped and Alice begun her speech. I didn't listen._

_ "So ...your Edward sounded like a great man." A different voice said in front of me. I looked up._

_ "Yeah. My Edward was a great man." I sighed. "Whisky please." I was given one and I downed it in one. I didn't want to recognise my pain right now._

_ "I'm Jake, well Jacob Black officially. You are?" _

_ "A suffering widow. I'm Bella Masen, formerly Bella Swan." _

_ "Yeah? Where you from?" He asked. Man was he nosey._

_ "Forks WA. You?" _

_ "Same area. La Push, you know that?" _

_ "You're Billy Black's son! My dad and he are best friends." I tell him. _

_ "You're Charlie's daughter? He never told me that you were this fine!"_

_ "What?!" I say._

_ "Sorry. Why isn't he here?" He asks._

_ "He couldn't get the time off work. My mom didn't even come to my wedding so she's not here." _

_ "Renee. I remember. Charlie used to get annoyed with her at times."_

_ "Don't blame him. Now Jacob Black. Have you got anything stronger to numb this pain I have inside of me?"_

_Then I was out of it. I remember waking up in Rose's bed with Edward by my side in his urn._

_ "I'm sorry, Edward." I whisper before kissing his box._

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm not going to be around until we were both rocking in chairs on a porch in our own house with our grandchildren running around our garden. I'm sorry that you never got the chance to have my children. I'm sorry that I'm not strong enough to beat it. I'm sorry that I won't be here to see you live your life. I'm sorry that we fell in love because if we didn't, you wouldn't be in the pain you're in right now. I'm sorry I ever asked you to marry me because now you're going through the pain of loss and I'm sorry I am that loss. Live without me Bella, like you should've done.

Edward 

"What? He never wanted to marry me? Then why did he frigging propose to me? Why has he stuck with me for six years? Why did he tell me he loved me, even with his last breath?" I screamed. I crumpled up the piece of paper and hurled it at the door. Then it hit Emmett.

I curled into myself and let myself cry. He never loved me. And then his mother has said that it's not him. Well why is it in his writing?

"Bella?" Emmett asked quietly before walking towards me. "Can I read it?"

I nod and tell him to not tell anyone else what it says. When he finished the letter I hear a big intake of breath.

"You believe he wrote this?" He asked.

"Why does no one believe what they see or here? Of course I believe he wrote it if it's in his own writing Emmett. His voice is telling me he loves me but you can lie when you speak. He lies everyday of his life in his work. But he never lies in writing Emmett. I can't believe it, he never loved me. He wishes we never married. He wishes he never met." I sob. Emmett's arms envelope me in a barrier.

"Bella. It's going to be ok." He says soothingly.

"No it's not Emmett because I'm not sure whether I've wasted the last six years of my life on a man who never loved me back, who wishes we never kissed, or met. Tell me which it is Emmett." I plead.

"Bella. I can't. I don't know." He admits.

"Emmett? Treat every girl you love with respect and the truth. Kiss them in the rain."

I sob harder and my body heaves up and down.

So when Edward said to me, _PS I love you_, was he really telling me what he felt or was he lying through it all and trying to be a doting husband?

Now, I know that him leaving me doesn't hurt as much as realisation creeping through my body telling me that perhaps, he lied to me for years. That he never loved me. That he wished we never met. That I should've been alone to face the world for the past six years. That he shouldn't have been my first kiss, my first love. That we never should've kissed in the rain.

But I couldn't because otherwise I wouldn't know how to forgive anybody. Yet I don't know whether I can forgive him.


End file.
